Preparing for Holy Matrimony
There was a heart-breaking call recently on Catholic Answers
from a woman who wanted to get married, but she and her fiancé had both had
previous marriages. As a practicing
Catholic, she wanted to be married in the Church and fully participate in the
sacramental life. However, though her
marriage had been annulled, her fiancé was tired of the long and involved
process and was unwilling to continue pursuing an annulment for his previous
marriage.
The distress in this caller’s voice was clear, and it
couldn’t help but elicit sympathy from the hosts or listeners. It got me thinking about my own marriage
preparation. I knew very well what the
sacrament of Matrimony is, and know that my marriage is sacramental, and
unbreakable. But I thought back to my
engaged encounter weekend.
There was a lot of talk about communication, finances,
conflict resolution, in-laws, etc., but there was almost no talk about what the
sacrament of Matrimony is all about, none of the Church teaching on divorce,
and nothing on artificial contraception.
Many of the couples were mixed, with one partner a
non-Catholic, clearly there for the sake of the Catholic partner. And yet the weekend did nothing to help them
understand what the commitment they were about to make really means. I wonder how many of the Catholic partners even
knew. They all hoped for a sacramental
marriage, but did any understand that such a bond can not be dissolved? Perhaps this is why there are so many
annulments these days.
I have a priest friend who tells me couples routinely get
annoyed at him for the rigors of his marriage preparation. Oftentimes people simply want to be married
in a church. He says, however, that if
someone comes to him to be married in the Church, he is determined that they
will have a sacramental marriage and understand what it means. His goal is to never have any of his
marriages annulled.
That should be, and probably is, every priest’s goal. And yet, people are routinely coming to the
altar of God with no idea what they are really doing. And often our marriage prep is little help to
them. I remember one couple, in a
discussion period, asking about artificial contraception on my weekend, and
being told that the discussion that session was about planning the
wedding. Apparently the marriage itself was
of little importance.
Now please don’t misunderstand me. I know there are many very good marriage prep
programs. And often these programs are
run by lay people who are doing their best.
They may not really understand the Church’s position, or fear they won’t
be able to defend it. Often I think they
fear they might drive a non-Catholic partner away from a Church wedding, and so
leave such issues to be dealt with by the Catholic partner in the way he or she
finds most prudent. The intentions, I’m
sure, are good, but I fear the results are often disastrous.
This of course brings me back to the caller. She now, later in life and understanding the
sacrament of Matrimony, wants to do it right, but faces a laborious annulment
process, which can be very emotional if it brings up old wounds.
Thanks be to God the Church has such a process in order to
defend the clear teaching of Christ on marriage (Mt. 5: 31, 32), and ensure
people that their subsequent marriages are indeed sacramental. It is a very difficult role for priests to
have to play, though, both emotionally and pastorally, and I’m sure many
Catholics are faced with the burden of finding their partner unwilling to
persevere.
One should, of course, not get involved until it is clear
that both parties are free to marry, but I certainly can not judge anyone on
that point.
As we are sidetracked by the issue of same-sex “marriage,”
our attention must not be taken off the catechetical need in the Church to
educate people, especially young couples, on the sacrament of Matrimony. Once we as a Catholic culture reclaim that,
we will be a much more powerful voice on the marriage issue to the rest of the
world.
